Saturday, April 30, 2005

La Suegra...Infernal

Jennifer Lopez was on The Tonight Show last night to promote her new movie, Monster-In-Law, a movie I am required by law to see. And I will, even though I'm sure it has a sappy ending in which the mother-in-law sees the err of her ways and learns to love her new daughter-in-law and everyone lives happily ever after.

The local public access channels here automatically put subtitles on the screen. Ours are in Spanish for some reason. The Spanish translation used for Monster-In-Law was La Suegra Infernal. English translation--The Infernal Mother-In-Law or The Mother-In-Law from Hell or, my favorite, The Hellacious Mother-In-Law.

I taunted Jose with my new phrase the rest of the night, imitating the voice of an announcer. "La Suegra...Infernal." All I got was evil looks.

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The "missing bride" from Georgia was found today. She took a bus to Las Vegas and then New Mexico because she was stressed out over her wedding. That's my threat when I get stressed out, ( "One day I'm going to go live in the desert by myself") but she actually did it. Maybe she even threatens it like I do.

"See, somebody really did it. One day that will be me," I told Jose. But I think I'd just tell everyone I was leaving instead of going through the trouble of making up an abduction story and scaring the shit out of my family. I just wouldn't tell them where I was going if I wanted them to leave me alone. I mean, if you really, really didn't want a wedding the size of a small town, then you really, really shouldn't have had one. Look at me, mine was only about 50 people. And it wouldn't have been very stressful if there hadn't been a hurricane. But that's another story.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

My husband has 3 wives

Me, his mom and his sister.

Both of them are married and semi-married, but whenever they need help with anything they call him. It's his responsibility to collect money for his mom from people she has sold cars and land to because she doesn't want to do it herself. He should cut his sister's grass when he cuts his own. His mom is the most important person in his life (and the world) and his job is to make her happy before all others. If he does something they don't like, he should bow down to them and kiss their feet to make them happy again and, of course, stop doing what they told him not to do in the first place. They're always right anyway. What's his (and mine) is theirs, but he better not ask them for anything. Scared at night during a thunderstorm? Call Jose. Need a few groceries but you're too lazy to get them yourself? Call Jose. Want cable, trash pickup and extra storage but don't want to pay for it? Use Jose's. He doesn't mind. Short on cash? Ask Jose. He has plenty. And why bother paying him back? He doesn't want you to.

Not that he does all of this, but he's SUPPOSED to because they're faaamily. He just isn't considerate enough of their feelings and doesn't help them enough. How selfish of him to worry about his own life and bills before theirs. What could be more important than their problems?

Saturday, April 23, 2005

An attack of common sense, well not really

In an earlier post I wrote that Jose and I were buying MIL and FIL's old house/land and that we were done paying for it/were almost done paying for it. Anyway, we paid off the loan balance April 1st and all that needed to be done was to get them to go and sign papers to get everything in OUR names. (Don't ask me why this wasn't done in the beginning, you would have to ask Jose. *rolls eyes*) Jose made an appointment with our laywer and all we had to do was wait and see if they actually showed up. Well--this is a fucking miracle--THEY DID! (Angels singing) They DIDN'T pull their usual shit by saying they'll go and then disappearing the whole day. I can't believe it. They actually did what they were supposed to do without acting like they were doing us a HUGE favor by doing the right thing and what they agreed to do anyway. The only problem is that by being nice or, let's say, not assholes, Jose seems to have forgotten all the evilness for the moment. That will go away as soon as they go back to their usual ways. I hope.

On an annoying note, MIL's usual stupidness still shined through when Jose told her about the appointment and asked her for the deed. We got a letter from the bank confirming the payoff and clearly stating that the deed had been given to the purchaser at the time the land was purchased. I listened as he told her 10 times what the letter said and she denied that she had the deed. Over and over.

"The bank doesn't have it. You're supposed to have it. It says so in the letter. From the bank."

"No, the bank has it."

"No..."

How stupid can you possibly be?

After this went on for at least 15 minutes, she finally told him that an uncle must have it because they bought the land from him (I found out later--via courthouse records--that they didn't, in fact, buy it from him, but he helped them with a second mortgage. Whatever). He asked her to get a copy of the deed from the county courthouse, as the letter instructed. Then she argued about where to get the deed. The letter said to get it at the county courthouse. Then she argued about where the county courthouse is. Montgomery is the capital of the state also making it the county seat. Therefore, all city and county municipal buildings are in downtown Montgomery. We've been there many times. WE KNOW WHERE IT IS.

Then she decided that she was too busy that day to go get it even though she was not working and probably really had nothing to do but sit around and think of ways to torture people using only her presence. But she would TRY to go that day.

Exasperated with all the idiocy, I told him to tell her that I would go get it. He did.

"No, she can't go get it. She has to have MY permission to get it. Tell her not to go."

He actually asked me to call first to make sure I could get it. Why does he believe anything she says when everything that comes out of her mouth is guaranteed to be wrong? It's like she tries.

"I KNOW I can get it. I don't need to call to find out. Remember that I have a degree in journalism, I worked for two newspapers and I just finished a real estate prelicense course? They kind of tell you these sorts of things, you know, what's public information and what's not."

She still didn't believe it. She sat and waited for him to call her back and say, "You were right, mom. You're so smart. I don't know why I ever listened to Susan."

So I went to get it. It took, like, 5 minutes and they didn't ask any questions. I called Jose to tell him. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"I got it like I said I would."

"Oh good."

"Again, why do you ever listen to your mom?"

"I don't know. I just didn't know if you could get it. But I didn't tell you not to go get it."

"Right."

He calls MIL to tell her. She says, "Oh. I just didn't think she could get it."

*Sigh* The level of stupidity is breathtaking.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Hey, do you have Meet the Fuckers?

House of Flying Daggers and Meet the Fockers came out this week on DVD. We wanted to see both of them and Jose set out last night to try to find one of them to rent. Meet the Fockers was rented out from all the stores nearby, so he got House of Flying Daggers, which is great by the way. I'm a huge fan of Zhang Ziyi. Jose had a little trouble saying the name of the other movie with his accent, though, and asked for Meet the Fuckers. I'm sure the writers were giggling over the possible mispronunciation when they named it. This, I'm sure, is what they had hoped for.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Eggs Benedict

Hey a new pope. That was a bit fast.

Monday, April 18, 2005

They’re all gonna laugh at you

Several years ago, when I was still on speaking terms with MIL, Jose and I were sitting at her house visiting her. He started telling her about how he couldn’t wait to take me to El Salvador to show me his old neighborhood, the great beaches, waterfalls and all the attractions. He went on and on about it saying he couldn't wait to go there himself since it had been years since he left. He said by the time we actually got to go I would be able to speak Spanish and I could talk to people and understand what they were saying. When he stopped talking, MIL just stared at him.

“So when you going?” says MIL.

“One day.”

"Ohhhhh."

Then she turned to me.

“Ohhh Soosahn. When I was in school in El Salvador, a lady came to talk to us from the United States. We sit and listen to her and she talk to us for long time about America and how great it is. I sitting with my friends and we make fun with her because her Spanish sound so funny. Hee hee. We always make fun with Americans because their Spanish sound so funny. Hee hee.”

“Hmm. So I guess that means that people will make fun of me when I go. Great.”

“Ohhhhh nooooo! Hee hee. They don’t make fun of yooou. Just that lady. Hee hee.”

Gee thanks, MIL. That really makes me want to go there now.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Road stupid

I was stopped at a red light between two gas stations on my way home from the gym. There were three cars ahead of me and I stopped well behind the last car to make room for people to turn in front of me into the gas station on my right. One car went through. Then another woman drove past the space until she was right next to me, turned her blinker on and stared at me like I was stupid. I stared back at her wondering if she was too stupid to realize that the space I left between my car and the other car was for others to turn in front of me instead of having to wait for me to move. To test this theory, I moved forward until I was close behind the car in front of me. Stupid Lady jerked her car around the back of mine and violently turned into the station. Whoops. I guess I pissed her off because I was courteous enough to allow her to turn in front of me instead of blocking the entrance like an ass. WTF?

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

He loves ME, not you

A few months before Jose and I got married, MIL started calling and/or coming over almost every day while he was at work, minutes before she knew he would be home. Before that, she would come over right after he came home to talk or be annoying or whatever. He asked her to stop coming over ALL THE TIME, so I guess she decided to annoy me by calling every day when she knew he wasn't home. One of those days, I was sitting at home and she was next door at SIL’s where all she had to do was look out the window to find out if he was home or not.

Phone rings.

“Hello?”

“Soosahn. Is Jose there?”

“No, (you dumb bitch) he’s still at work.”

“Ohh. Did he call you?”

“Nooo. Why?”

“He call me and I say, Jose, why you don’t call Soosahn? And he say because I love you, mom.”

“Oh...ok.”

“Ok. Bye.” Hangs up.

I sat and stared at the phone wondering what had just happened and what the hell she had meant.

When Jose got home I asked him if he had called her about something that day. He said no. I told him about the weird phone call. He got a strange look on his face and said he would ask her why she called. I don’t know what happened, but she didn’t call again after that. At all. She now only calls his cell phone. Ha. Victory for me.