Monday, May 30, 2005

It's me this time

Getting drunk and responding to Chris, the Creek Indian, who said, "We Indians like to drink" by mentioning my one quarter Cherokeeness. God. Sorry. Thanks for rolling your eyes. I needed that.

To Janet, the broken-hearted lesbian. Sorry for touching your shoulder as you sat down and you recoiled. I think I scared you. It wasn't a pass. Alcohol-induced overfriendliness. Are you afraid of straight girls are something?

To Terry, the bartender. Sorry if I said something stupid. I don't exactly remember.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Riding on lawnmowers with morons

I just found out something stupid. MIL was cutting the grass at SIL's house sometime last week. Somehow, she managed to run the lawnmower into the pool. She may have fallen in, too, but I was told that she jumped off, commando-style, before it crashed into the empty pool.

Now what I want to know is, how could a person, who's not at least mildly retarded, run a lawnmower into a pool while they are cutting grass? There is no fence, but it does have several feet of concrete around it and you would have to be going out of your way or be a big dumbass for it to end up in the pool. I wonder if she did it on purpose. It broke the mower and FIL had to fix it. Maybe she was pissed at FIL and wanted to make his life harder by making him do extra work. That's very possible.

I was also reminded that she got stuck in mud in the back yard twice. TWICE. She was driving her car around the back yard after it had rained and got stuck in the mud in the exact same place. TWICE. You'd think she'd learn after the first time not to go riding around the back yard after it rains. She could at least have waited until the grass dried a little to act like a lunatic, but of course that makes too much sense. She must do whatever makes the least sense and causes people to do the most work for her. I don't know why she has to drive around the back yard. It's only about an acre, so it's not like she's looking for something she can't see from the house. She still does it sometimes, so I'm guessing she'll get stuck a third time. Maybe even a fourth. Maybe she'll get stuck several times a year from now on because it's just too hard to remember that you might get stuck in mud when you drive on wet grass.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Redneck agenda



This is on I-65 South between Birmingham and Montgomery, about halfway between Clanton and Prattville. This is just what we need, a 50-foot rebel flag on the interstate connecting other states with Alabama. This is what visitors and passersby need to see. A billboard screaming that we're too stupid to realize we lost the war or that we don't care, we'll fly our flag anyway. What an embarassment. Some redneck dipshit must have spent $1,000 on that thing just to piss people off. What a waste of time and money.

Some other redneck hung a slighty smaller flag on another interstate highway near our house. Mysteriously, it was gone within a week. I like to think that the neighbors around this guy made him take it down, which is probably true anyway since a large number of his neighbors are black.

I hope I don't see this the next time I go to Birmingham. Sheesh. If you're driving through Alabama and you see something like this, no, it wasn't sponsored by the state.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Let the games begin

We were at the restaurant with my dad Saturday while my uncle and brother were painting it. FIL, MIL and SIL's 4-year-old daughter come by. I groaned out loud. I couldn't help it. Jose told me to "say hey to them when they come in. Ask them how they're doing. Be friendly." PLEEEASE. Why would I EVER do that after everything I've been put through by McCrazy and her sidekick(s)?

FIL comes in and says hey to everyone. Hmm. Where's MIL? Sitting on an ash can outside the window. Dad asks why she's still outside. "Oh, she won't come in because I'm here." Everyone exchanges bewildered looks. HELLO. You all know she's crazy AND that she hates me.

After about 15 minutes, Jose comes out of the kitchen with FIL and finally realizes that she is still outside. He went outside. He came back inside. A few more minutes pass and she finally comes in. Completely ignoring everyone, except my brother who said hey to her out of common decency when he went outside to get something.

Jose, Crazy and FIL stand around talking. I hear SIL's daughter ask about me. She looks at me and I wave at her. I guess someone stopped telling her that I am evil because she and her brother aren't afraid to talk to me now. She keeps asking about me even though I'm a few feet away from her. I know it's burning MIL's ass that she wants to talk to me. Jose brings the kid over to me so she can say hey. MIL won't even turn around and look. I know she's getting ready to explode. "What's up, N?" I say. "Nothing," she says giggling. MIL almost runs into the kitchen.

After a few more minutes of BS, they finally leave. I ask Jose later if he said anything to MIL about not saying hey to me. "No. Why would I say anything to her about that?" "I don't know. Why would you say anything to me about it? You know she doesn't like me. Why in the hell would I say anything to her when I know she's going to ignore me?" He gets a pouty look on his face because his mom and I don't get along. Well, hey, maybe we would if she wasn't a raving fucking lunatic.

Friday, May 20, 2005

I must of done somethin'

Awww...SIL is mad at me AGAIN. But I haven't spoken to her in several weeks. I can tell the difference because when she's not mad at me, she waves at me when I pass by her house when I get home. I know she's mad when she turns her head in the opposite direction when she sees me. She's done this two or three times in the past few days. This proves that I don't have to do a thing for them to turn against me. They just want to do it. Why argue with that?

In a few weeks or months or whenever I happen to be around her when she's drunk, she will ask me why I never talk to her and she will tell me that she's never done anything to me. She will also point out that I act as though I don't like her and that she has no problem with me. I will respond by telling her that she is the one who acts like she doesn't like me and that I don't have a problem with her. She will conclude that we should get along because we're sisters. A few weeks will pass and she will be mad at me again. And the cycle will continue....

Monday, May 16, 2005

Just a short story or two

It's so hard to find time to post lately. We recently found out we had termites. According to the Terminix guy, they had been there for two to five years. And they had gotten there through wooden boards someone had thrown under the house since there is no wood from the house touching the ground. So I thought...hmm, MIL and FIL moved here in 1995 and moved out three years ago. WE didn't put the wood under there, so I wonder who did? Hmm.

We are also opening a restaurant. Finally. We have spent the past five months trying to find a place to open one. We were actually trying to open a bar, but with a relatively new ordinance barring lounges within 250 feet of residential zones, that is out of the question. But a restaurant will probably be better anyway. (Crosses fingers.) It should be open in a month or less.

FIL offered to help clean the kitchen. He was off work today and Jose asked him about the pressure washer he said he would bring to help. He said he would bring it by. He did. He stopped by, practically threw the pressure washer near the house and sped off. Didn't offer to help. What a surprise. What WILL be a surprise is if he actually does help at all. I expect the use of this piece of equipment to be brought up over the next 20 years in conversations about how much they helped us when we were opening the restaurant.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Evil MIL super clone

Oh, Jesus Christ. Jose's aunt Carmen and grandmother are in Los Angeles from El Salvador. This will lead to an inevitable visit here.

Carmen is MIL x 10. Grandma is sweet, but demanding.

Grandma expects Jose to spend every spare second with her and take her out to eat all the time. I think certain other people put this idea in her head first, but she sure thinks it's a great idea. They were here for a few weeks before and after the wedding and she complained, after she got home and there was nothing Jose could do about it I might add, that he didn't spend enough time with her. Who cares that he was about to get married and then after returning from the honeymoon was newly married? He must spend all his free time with her and the family.

Carmen is an evil bitch from hell. Everyone hates her. She makes rude comments about everything. She makes fun of everyone. Every time she sees me she says I look better than I did before because I lost weight, but I would look better if I lost more while she wears pants three sizes too small. She talks to me in Spanish using complex words and phrases or Salvadoran colloquialisms and then makes fun of me when I don't understand her. She made snarky comments about me not having a job right after I graduated and asked me if I was "taking a vacation." This is the one who thought she was THE professional wedding photographer and got in the real photog and videographer's way to take pictures I have never been allowed to see. She is the richest person in the family and was "insulted" that we didn't offer to pay for her plane ticket to fly here. She also gave Jose a photo of his bio mom and photos of him as a child that he had never seen before as a wedding present. She wrote in a letter addressed to "Jose and wife" that those pictures prove that they love him and have always loved him as a son. I always thought actions proved love more than photos, but ok.

So now I will again experience the joy of MIL, evil MIL super clone, junior MIL and GMIL, the one who started it all. At least SIL has been neutral lately and has apparently allowed her kids to speak to me again. Maybe it won't be so bad this time. I plan to make myself scarce either way to be sure.

Another horror I have recently been informed of is that Carmen recently bought land across the street from MIL and wants to build a house there for her to stay when she visits. I shudder to think of how long the visits will be when she builds the house. At least it's pissing MIL off. JaJa.

Friday, May 06, 2005

High-speed chase. Yeehaw.

Yesterday, there was a high-speed chase through three counties in central Alabama that ended in Montgomery. Ronald Stallworth was being transported back to jail from a court appearance for capital murder, rape and kidnapping when he stabbed a deputy sheriff with a nail, ran over his arm and left him on the side of the road. Police pursued the inmate from Clanton to Montgomery, about 50 miles, going about 120 m.p.h. Once in Montgomery, stop spikes were used and the inmate wrecked, fired at officers and was shot and killed. He was left in the car for about an hour after he died with the door open. What is this LA now?

Apparently, high-speed chases are becoming very common. This is the 3th or 4th chase I’ve heard of around Montgomery in the past year or so. The last eventful one was a few months ago. The people involved in this chase had just murdered someone and one of them had been shot. They were going to a hospital when a cop got behind them to pull them over and they freaked. They drove about 10 miles, took an exit in Montgomery down a busy street, hit a car waiting at a red light and led the police on a foot chase. They stole a car from a nearby apartment complex and were caught sometime later.

But that’s really nothing compared to how many there are in California. It's just not something you’d expect to hear about happening in Alabama. Maybe a runaway horse or cow (and that happens sometimes, but always in the country) but not an actual cops and robbers car chase. I don't remember any before a few years ago. I guess a little excitement is good for this boring, boring town. But I shouldn't say that.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

It's just too hard to accept money from someone who's trying to pay you back

A couple of years ago, Jose bought and sold some mobile homes for a down payment and monthly payments since the buyers couldn't get their own loans. About the same time, MIL and FIL bought a trailer on some land and sold it to a guy, whose nickname is Tito, and financed it for him. MIL had a secret savings account that FIL didn't know about and she asked Jose to act like he was buying the trailer so she could use the secret money and make a secret profit of her own. The trailer ended up being in Jose's and MIL's names because FIL didn't want to put it in his name and didn't want to deal with it. (Nothing can be simple.)

So MIL told Jose to collect the money for the trailer/land and keep up with the payments until it was paid off. She claims that she is too soft to deal with collecting money because Tito may try to give her a hard time about paying. It all sounds like a load of shit, but if you really think you're going to have problems with someone you're selling something to, then maybe you shouldn't sell it to them. But that's just my opinion.

To make matters stupider, MIL works with the guy. Jose doesn't. It would be much simpler if she got the money since she sees Tito almost every day. Two of the guys Jose sold his mobile homes to also work with MIL. Most of the time they would just give the money to her to give to Jose, but she would never accept money from Tito. She did one time and as she gave Jose his money from the other guys, she also gave him the money from Tito so he could deposit it into her account. But otherwise, she would get Jose's money and then tell him that he needed to get the money from Tito, which involved going to where they all work and getting it, usually while MIL was there anyway.

If that's not retarded enough, today Tito came looking for Jose while he was at work. She saw him when she was next door at SIL's house. When she went back to work, Tito asked her when he could pay Jose. Instead of taking the money, she called Jose to find out when he would be getting off so he could get the money from Tito. He told her when he would get off and hung up. When he told me what was going on, I asked what I have asked him several hundred times--why can't she just get the money herself? So he told her to get it and she agreed like she had never thought of it before. I guess common sense doesn't come easily for her. Or maybe both of them sometimes.